Manuel Slade Tweeting From Jail

#LifeWouldBeBetterIf I wuznt bein framed for this. Im the MAYOR!!! Did u not notice?!

— Manuel Slade (@Mayor_of_Domino) July 25, 2014

BREAKING: Domino Mayor Arrested on Vandalism Charges

via The Domino Chronicle

DOMINO - Mayor Manuel Slade was escorted from his house in handcuffs this morning. Police cite the manifesto as a coded message pointing toward the troubled mayor as the prime suspect. Upon executing a search warrant the VANGUARD uncovered firearms believed to be related to the shot signs throughout town. Ballistics tests are underway. Also uncovered were various cans of spray paint that matched the colors of the recent acts of vandalism as well as what a source in Domino PD called "sneaky outfits." Stay up to date on The Domino Chronicle for any breaks in the case.

The Vandal Strikes Yet Again, Elite Counterstrike Team Deployed

 DOMINO - The Vandal is back. The criminal(s) responsible struck three times in the night, firing bullets at three separate signs in the Domino area. Police Chief Rusken Thomas confirmed that a "manifesto of sorts" was recovered, but would not comment much on the contents.

"I am able to say one thing in regards to the correspondence recovered by police," Chief Thomas said at a press conference, "the Vandal did it purposefully so that the public would know that it was he or she that is responsible for all three acts of terror last night. The manifesto of sorts was three pages long with a page left at each crime scene."

Mayor Manuel Slade declared a state of emergency shortly after Chief Thomas spoke.

"As your mayor I am officially deploying the VANGUARD, which is a combination of vandalism experts and highly trained SWAT members," Mayor Slade said, "there will be a curfew in place until we catch the monster at large and bring them to justice. I will not, cannot allow this type of madness to continue in our great city."

VANGUARD members deployed today.

The curfew extends to all non-essential persons and goes from 1 AM to 5 AM. All businesses will be required to close no later than 11 PM and police will now be working 18 hour shifts with the exception of the VANGUARD who will be on call 24 hours a day. The VANGUARD will draw down to 65 percent strength during daylight hours, but will be fully staffed from dusk to dawn. 

Police have indicated no intention of releasing the Vandal's manifesto at this time.

Door-to-Door

Hammond Morrell

"A young black fella came to my door today. Lemme start this off sayin I ain’t got any problems with folks of any color, it’s been in my experience that assholes and angels come in all type of sorts. Anyways, the young man comed up to my door right in the middle of the “Justin Sobol Show” and theys on there talkin about daddy’s that done slept with they son’s wives or somethin so you knowed I was hooked to see all a them weirdos fightin’ and fussin’ like the buncha fools they were. I started out the conversation a little agitated, ya know? So I’s opened up the door and seen this young man standin there in shorts and basketball shoes and he starts right in askin to see my power bill. The nerve!

What in the hell kinda question is that to ask a man? So I says, “Well what in the world do you need that for?” and he goes on about how he works for some company that is tryin a get people good rates on they electricity. He’s tryin real, real hard to get me hooked like I’s a dumb ass walleye. Sayin stuff like “gee, sir I’d say your kilowatt usage could really benefit from the company I work for.” I says he’s makin stuff up and I’m in no mood cuz I’m missin my shows and my Cranston soda’s goin’ flat. He’s pacin and shufflin and I’m gettin worried so I tells him to go away and don’t never come back.

He’s polite about it and all, but when I go to sit down I see he’s headed on over to the Reynolds place, you know about them, right? Miss Reynolds went kinda loopy on account of the Mister runnin off with the carnival two summers ago. That’s right. I know, I know. I didn’t believe it at first neither, but word around town was that he fell in love with the lady that runs the water gun game. Last summer when the carnival came back to town there he was. In charge of the haunted house, can you believe that? And the water gun lady looked to have a watermelon in her belly. People, huh?

Anyway, I seen the salesman goin to her house so I jumped up to tell him to leave that lady be and wouldn’t you know I spilt my Cranston all down my pants like a clown. I’m hot pissed now, lookin like I peed all over myself like a damned drunk, all red-faced and I get out on the porch hollerin and wavin my arms tryin to get his attention and tell him to get out of my neighborhood. He looked up and smiled and waved back. He fiddled on his phone and in seconds a young black lady walked up on my porch wearin the same damn keychain for they company.

“God bless it,” I said on account I been tryin to cut back on the cussin so Junior will bring his kids around more. He’s got no problems with my mouth, but his wife don’t think it’s a good thing when I say damns and shits every now and then. I don’t mean to. So the salesgirl comes up and starts in all the whole dang charade that the man did and I stop her in the middle of her askin to see my power bill.

“No, no, no,” I says, “don’t you understand?” I says. She put her hand on her hip and starts messin’ with the keychain and goes, “Understand what” lie there. “Understand that you and your friend is at the bottom of the totem pole, door-to-door sales is the bottom of the barrel when it comes to jobs, you can’t go no lower than to disturb normal people by beatin on they doors in the middle of the day and makin em spill they drinks on they pants and miss they shows and what not to give em shit they don’t want.” She stood there and just stared and chewed on her gum. “I’d rather you be a dope dealer comin to my house tryin a give me a little grass cuz that’d do me a helluva lot more good than savin me half a cent per keelowhat on my power bill,” I says. I should not a said that last part cuz she went from listenin to yellin and callin me a racist and cussin with words I never heard before.
I hurried and went in and locked my door. “Justin Sobol” was done and I tried to flip through the channels to find somethin else, but there was no baseball or news or nothin. The rest of my afternoon and evenin went pretty normal, but when I went out this mornin to get the paper I saw egg stains all on my siding. Sonsofbitches. I apologize for cuttin this short, but Langford’s is gonna be open soon and they’s havin a sale on degreaser today so I’m gonna have to make the drive over to Landis before the egg gets cooked by the sun."

Domino Zoo Shut Down Amid Allegations of Child Labor

via The Domino Chronicle

Zoo President Marvin Bain

Unidentified boy from the Lion Exhibit

DOMINO - Police raided the Domino Zoo this morning after multiple complaints of the animals being fake. Early reports indicate that Zoo President Marvin Bain was cutting the budget and embezzling the leftover money by auctioning off the actual animals. Bain allegedly replaced the attractions with minors and paid them in zoo souvenirs and candy to dress up and take on the role of various wild animals. At least 15 of the 36 park exhibits are thought to have been costumed children. Bain is being held without bail. Police have refused to comment due to the investigation being ongoing.

BREAKING: Local Boy Best Popsicle Eater in the History of the World

via The Domino Chronicle

DOMINO - Another local legend has arrived. Bruce Parker is now the official record holder of Most Popsicles Eaten with sixty-nine consumed. Not only is this a great, historic day for little Bruce, but it is a great day to be an American. Bruce and his family were contacted by the White House and the President himself thanked the young champion. The local chapter of Dentistry United has awarded the Parker family a $5,000 savings bond in Bruce's name as well as free cleanings for life. Way to go!

BREAKING: Local Boy Attempting to Break Record for Most Popsicles Eaten

Via The Domino Chronicle

DOMINO - Local boy Bruce Parker, 5, is currently attempting to break the world record for popsicles eaten in one sitting. The current standard set is 67 which was set by a Norwegian girl in 2003. Check back for details.

Vandalism Spree Continues in Domino

via The Domino Chronicle

DOMINO - The Sacred Heart Activity Center is the latest in a string of absurd and wanton acts of vandalism that has stuck the city. Police are saying they believe that one person or group of people is behind the current spree that started back in January. The Activity Center is the thirty-third place or object to feel the wrath of those responsible.

"This has gotten out of control," local resident Tiffany Goodbread told the Chronicle, "I mean there's penises and nipples everywhere. What the heck is being done about all of this? Everyday I go to work and there's a new broken window or graffiti or shot sign. This is ridiculous."

Police Chief Rusken Thomas has vowed to put an end to the indecency.

"We are in the process of assembling a task force to put an end to this vandalism," a police spokesman said in a statement to the media,"whoever you are, wherever you are we will find you and prosecute you to the full extent necessary."

Damages by the vandal have exceeded the $20,000 mark with last night's desecration of Sacred Heart.

Police Warn of Scammers at Domino Doors

via the Domino Chronicle

DOMINO- Police say scammers are going to door-to-door in Domino. The people are posing as representatives of an electricity and natural gas provider called HydraPower, which is not a real company. Several people suspected of being in on the plot were spotted in the Drillfield neighborhood on Tuesday and in the 2000 block of N. Warrengate Avenue on Thursday.

“Basically, they come and ask to see an electric bill and they screenshot the information,” Domino Police Chief Rusken Thomas said in a statement, “[the information is] then passed on to wherever this scam is headquartered.”

Domino PD is working closely with the departments in Landis and Maplestead to track down the origin of the scam. Chief Thomas warned against opening up your door for the time being.

“There’s not been any violence associated with these folks. But working with Landis [PD] and Maplestead [PD] we have verified over a dozen stolen identities in the last few months,” Chief Thomas continued, “be safe and call us when they show up.”