Door-to-Door

Hammond Morrell

"A young black fella came to my door today. Lemme start this off sayin I ain’t got any problems with folks of any color, it’s been in my experience that assholes and angels come in all type of sorts. Anyways, the young man comed up to my door right in the middle of the “Justin Sobol Show” and theys on there talkin about daddy’s that done slept with they son’s wives or somethin so you knowed I was hooked to see all a them weirdos fightin’ and fussin’ like the buncha fools they were. I started out the conversation a little agitated, ya know? So I’s opened up the door and seen this young man standin there in shorts and basketball shoes and he starts right in askin to see my power bill. The nerve!

What in the hell kinda question is that to ask a man? So I says, “Well what in the world do you need that for?” and he goes on about how he works for some company that is tryin a get people good rates on they electricity. He’s tryin real, real hard to get me hooked like I’s a dumb ass walleye. Sayin stuff like “gee, sir I’d say your kilowatt usage could really benefit from the company I work for.” I says he’s makin stuff up and I’m in no mood cuz I’m missin my shows and my Cranston soda’s goin’ flat. He’s pacin and shufflin and I’m gettin worried so I tells him to go away and don’t never come back.

He’s polite about it and all, but when I go to sit down I see he’s headed on over to the Reynolds place, you know about them, right? Miss Reynolds went kinda loopy on account of the Mister runnin off with the carnival two summers ago. That’s right. I know, I know. I didn’t believe it at first neither, but word around town was that he fell in love with the lady that runs the water gun game. Last summer when the carnival came back to town there he was. In charge of the haunted house, can you believe that? And the water gun lady looked to have a watermelon in her belly. People, huh?

Anyway, I seen the salesman goin to her house so I jumped up to tell him to leave that lady be and wouldn’t you know I spilt my Cranston all down my pants like a clown. I’m hot pissed now, lookin like I peed all over myself like a damned drunk, all red-faced and I get out on the porch hollerin and wavin my arms tryin to get his attention and tell him to get out of my neighborhood. He looked up and smiled and waved back. He fiddled on his phone and in seconds a young black lady walked up on my porch wearin the same damn keychain for they company.

“God bless it,” I said on account I been tryin to cut back on the cussin so Junior will bring his kids around more. He’s got no problems with my mouth, but his wife don’t think it’s a good thing when I say damns and shits every now and then. I don’t mean to. So the salesgirl comes up and starts in all the whole dang charade that the man did and I stop her in the middle of her askin to see my power bill.

“No, no, no,” I says, “don’t you understand?” I says. She put her hand on her hip and starts messin’ with the keychain and goes, “Understand what” lie there. “Understand that you and your friend is at the bottom of the totem pole, door-to-door sales is the bottom of the barrel when it comes to jobs, you can’t go no lower than to disturb normal people by beatin on they doors in the middle of the day and makin em spill they drinks on they pants and miss they shows and what not to give em shit they don’t want.” She stood there and just stared and chewed on her gum. “I’d rather you be a dope dealer comin to my house tryin a give me a little grass cuz that’d do me a helluva lot more good than savin me half a cent per keelowhat on my power bill,” I says. I should not a said that last part cuz she went from listenin to yellin and callin me a racist and cussin with words I never heard before.
I hurried and went in and locked my door. “Justin Sobol” was done and I tried to flip through the channels to find somethin else, but there was no baseball or news or nothin. The rest of my afternoon and evenin went pretty normal, but when I went out this mornin to get the paper I saw egg stains all on my siding. Sonsofbitches. I apologize for cuttin this short, but Langford’s is gonna be open soon and they’s havin a sale on degreaser today so I’m gonna have to make the drive over to Landis before the egg gets cooked by the sun."